13 Years Later...

The number 13 has such negative connotations in general that it is often used as an excuse for things going awry. I guess it is easier to blame it on a number than any other person or circumstances.

But yesterday was a celebration of our 13 years of marriage. It has been 13 years since we said our "I dos". It has even been longer since we laid eyes on each other.

So, was it an unlucky number for us? As with any marriage, things have not always been rosy and sweet. We have had our hell-raising moments of arguments and disagreements. After all, two people can't always see eye-to-eye all the time, can they? But what I have taken away from all our years of being together, and raising one amazing child in the process, is that it takes more than just feeling you are like "two peas in a pod". Besides relying on God's grace and having faith that His plans are bigger than yours, I have learnt to genuinely accept our flaws and embrace our differences. I believe that it takes a real couple to be able to surmount the obstacles they face and not blunder in the face of adversities.

And so here we are
Still together
13 years later.

Happy anniversary, baby!

At Portico Prime for our Lucky 13!

One Day

An aching heart

Reminiscing what we once had

For some reason, today

I feel like I have to say goodbye

Broken dreams

That were once filled with possibilities

Of a life filled with endless kisses

Embraced in your love and gentle kindness

Tender love

Was what I remember we once shared

A love that was not meant to be

Not now, but maybe in the future

One day

Was what we used to say

A hope so bright that I still cling on to

For I want to keep myself close to you

Our chemistry

There is no denying it exists

The sparks that fly when we're together

The fireworks display when we hold each other

For now

All I can do is cry myself to sleep

Hoping the tears will drown my pain 

In the afterglow of love that was slain

Indulging in the memories of us

Keeping them from turning to dust

Until we can finally reveal

The deep connection that now seems surreal

So I say to you 

Goodbye, my true love

You will always be a part of me

I drench myself in the sweetness of you, baby

Every moment

Of everyday

Until one day

One Year Without Mama

How quickly time flies.

It has now been a year since I lost my mother so very suddenly. Not a day has gone by without me thinking about her. Not an hour has gone by without me missing her. Not a minute has gone by without me wishing that she was still around. 

I miss her laughter. 

I miss her voice. 

I miss her cheerful nature. 

I miss her calm demeanour in the face of chaos.

I miss my mother. 

They say time heals all wounds. But it has been a year and the wound still feels as fresh as it was a year ago. 

But, I will trudge along in life, comforted by a loving husband and my precious little girl. 

I will continue on living, knowing that my father and brother need me. 

So, time keeps on moving. Until the day, I can finally meet my mother again. 

I love you, mama.

The family picture during our Japan trip, 2010  

Crazy for Cupcakes

Went a tad bit cupcake crazy today. Made a new discovery: Decorating cupcakes is awesomely addictive!

Under the guise of having to perfect my piping techniques, there'll definitely be more cupcakes to come!

About a Run

It was my third time taking part in the Sundown Marathon 10km run this year. Being not much of an expert in race participations (the only two I've been a part of are the Sundown and the Standard Chartered Marathon), I must say I have always loved running in the night. With the cool breeze on my face and my running tracks leading my every step through the earphones, I enjoy the solitude that allows my mind to wander to that peaceful corner where confusion and chaos don't exist. For this reason, I always look forward to mid year when the Sundown takes place every year. Since I've only ever been doing this race with my brother, it's become a tradition of sorts that we do this race together yearly. I can only hope we can continue this tradition for a long time to come.

This year, the route of the Sundown Marathon was slightly different as it took us through the Gardens By The Bay (I am guessing it is because of the various road closures due to the NDP rehearsals), as opposed to the usual Republic Avenue and Nicoll Highway route. This was a nice change - especially as we ran past the air-conditioned Flower Dome as we could indulge in the chill blast for a split second.

Compared to my previous races, I felt that I was in good form this year. Having beaten my PB by six minutes from last year, I am rather proud of what I managed to accomplish. Running for me has always been about trying to discipline my mind to conquer what I have always doubted about my own abilities.

Now, the next challenge for me is to do a half marathon. Do I dare to do it?

Remembering Mama

So, it's been just a little over nine months since my mother passed away. For some reason, today, I am engulfed by the desire to pour out my feelings about her sudden passing last year.

It was around 9 pm on 4 September that I received the call from the distraught then would-be sister-in-law, informing me that mama had to be rushed to the hospital as she had had a stroke and hence, had lost consciousness. Apparently, she had also lost function of her body. To be honest, I was in utter disbelief when I heard the news. The reason for this was simple: mama was a strong woman. She had rarely complained of any aches and even if she was suffering from headaches or knee pains, it would not be a strange sight to see her mucking about in the kitchen doing what she loved best: cooking her gloriously sumptuous food! I used to think that she was invincible and that she would be around for a long time. So, to hear those words, that she was rushed in an ambulance because she had suffered a stroke was something that was unimaginable in my simplistic mind.

The moment I hung up the phone, something clicked. Needless to say, I was still in complete denial about the severity of the situation. Thinking, instead, that she would pull through and that I would get to see her again. 

To put it into context, I had been living away from my parents since the age of 11, when I went to Australia to study. And upon graduation, instead of deciding to return to Jakarta, I chose to come to Singapore to work. Sad to say, I didn't have as much time to go over to see mama since, especially after I'd gotten married and had Deziree. 

Deziree and her Oma

Coming back to that fateful evening, the realisation that there was a possibility of not being able to ever call her again or hear her infectious laughter only dawned on me later on in the night. As I covered my face with my hands, the tears started rolling and before I knew it, I was sobbing, uncontrollably. Thankfully, the Chubby Hubby took care of the logistics of flying home to Jakarta the next day, as I allowed myself to be overcome with a range of unexplainable emotions, from anger to regret and ultimately, deep sadness.

We made it to Jakarta in the late hours the next day and went straight to the hospital to visit mama who was in the Intensive Care Unit. The moment I saw her, my heart wept, though I didn't let it be apparent on my face. I kept thinking that I had to be strong for my father and brother. It was gut-wrenching to see her lying so helplessly with various tubes attached to all parts of her body. I touched her and held her hand and told her that I was there with her. Apparently her heartbeat, which had remained at a steady 12 bpm, quickened upon hearing our voices, which supposedly signalled her subconsciousness being aware of the surrounding. I couldn't help but smile, as I was so happy I could finally see her again that night, albeit for the last time, as she passed away peacefully three days later on 8 September 2014 - interestingly, on the same date as when her father - my grandpa - passed away. 

For those who have lost a loved one, you will know that it feels surreal in the days of the wake, right through to the funeral. For me, the moment they lowered the coffin to the ground felt like someone was stabbing my chest with a razor sharp knife - my heart ached like I never thought I would ever have to experience again after the passing of my granny in 2009. All I could do was hold on to my father's arm as I rested my head on it. And life after that day would not be the same again.

I must admit, I'd still sometimes pick up the phone wanting to call her to ask for recipes - something that I used to do all the time - little things that I used to take for granted. Although, we had our differences and fair share of arguments, she was someone that I could depend on. I knew I could count on her for so many things. She was always ready to fly down to Singapore to look after Deziree when nobody was able to rearrange their work commitments, which she did with no questions asked and no hesitation. And during my "loser" years in Australia when I used to cry myself to sleep because I was missing my parents so much, she would be on the first flight out from Jakarta to come over and console me. 

Ah, the things that mothers would do for their children. It is just unfortunate that I never had the chance to say thank you to my mother for everything she had ever done for me, for my husband, for Deziree. I am glad that my daughter got a chance to get to know her Oma, albeit for only 11 years of her life.  I am grateful that I was blessed with a beautiful human being as my mother, who did not spoil us rotten, but who showed us what love is through her unwavering support and selfless acts that she displayed to both her children.

The Winatas

I will forever miss her. She will always be in my heart.

For now, I take comfort in the fact that she is now reunited with her parents, alongside our Father in Heaven. There is no better comfort than knowing that.

Until we meet again, mama. 

Is It Too Late?

Well, I've been asking myself that question for quite some time now. The reason behind it has actually got to do with making a career shift at such a late stage of my life. I'm not sure if it is possible, whether or not I'm too selfish for even thinking about it, whether or not I have the time to dive into something totally new (which means that I'll need to take a course, train and somehow get my portfolio up and running to score jobs!) Ultimately, the ability to find work in this newfound career will tell me that the decision has been worth it.

Okay, so what's this new interest all about? Well, actually it is not a new interest, since I've been passionate about it ever since I could remember, going back into my teenage years! It is, in fact, make-up. Some of you who know that I've always been in the journalism industry for most of my post-university life might think, "whoa, this is totally unrelated." And they are right! For most of my work life, I've never really written about beauty so much, more in the music, trade, travel and a little bit of fashion. I can't blame people for thinking that this would be such a silly, and very risky move, if I decide to pursue it.

This thought to dive into the make-up artistry industry started swirling in my mind vehemently since last year and I've not been able to put it out. I'm not sure if this is telling me something. I've been obsessed with anything Urban Decay, MAC and other beauty products, like OPI, Benefit or Bliss. In fact, when I finally managed to grab hold of Urban Decay's star product, the Naked palette, I was beyond ecstatic that the Chubby Hubby thought I had gone cuckoo.

And I think he has also noticed my infinite obsession with make-up and beauty products. I seem to always be on youtube to look out for tutorials, and find it amazing that such a simple thing as your make-up can give the appearance of a changed facial dimensions and shapes, beautifying everything and everybody, no matter what they look like with a naked face. This is one of the reasons, however shallow it may sound, that I love, love, love make-up so much.

So, this has led me to browsing online for places that offer make-up courses around the island. And the Chubby Hubby has even kindly offered to pay for my lessons, should I feel that this was what I wanted to do. Since he's in the film industry, he's even said that I could follow him on shoots whenever there's a need for a make-up artist. So, woohoo to that as it would definitely be great to build up my portfolio.

But, no surprises here, I feel like I'm too scared to follow through. Not only will this be a major career change, I'm not sure if people will like what I do to their faces, whether or not I am cut out to be a make-up artist. "What if I suck?" is a thought that wanders in my mind constantly. My heart is in it, but I don't know if my head is telling me that this is the right thing for me. I think it might be my age talking. The older I get, the less risks I seem to be willing to take as I develop more fear for the "unknown".

I guess until I am able to overcome this fear, I will never be able to make the right decision. But then again, what is deemed as the right decision? All that should matter is the passion you have for whatever it is you are pursuing, as this will form the foundation of your happiness, right?

When I am sure of the path to take, I will no doubt update you again. In the meantime, I have some soul searching and ass-kicking to do before I can come to a decision.